So, I did a few posts over at the playstation blog. Well actually I answered some questions for one, and then wrote up a little diddy for the other. There was a little hub-bub about the first post, which was the inspirations for me to write the second. (Though I was always planning a real post) I then saw a posting on Joystiq about the first post, which cracked me up as well as inspired me to write this post. Confused yet? I am.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep tonight, and since I can do pretty much what ever the hell I want over here on this blog, (made clear by my poor grammer) I decided I would write up my own interview with one of the greatest characters on TV. How I imagine it might go if the great JL interviewed me. I am sure none of this is really all that funny, but it's almost 2am and I can't sleep, so right now anything is funny to me.
I did one of these things on my modblog site a looong time ago with Connie Chung. I don't think that one was very funny either.
Be warned, it's a long one and it may not have much to do with games.
(The opening credits roll showing a montage of images moving slowly across the screen. This cross dissolves to a shot of the audience clapping with little enthusiasm. The camera pans over and pushes in to a seated James Lipton.)
Lipton: Welcome all of you wonderful…and devoted…fans of me. We have gathered together today to discuss a topic of which I know very little about, but I am told…by my shows producers…that Mr. Cheech Marin was unable to attend this weeks edition of Inside the Actors Studio…so now we will be sitting down with a…Mr…
(Examines one of the many note cards stacked in front of him)
…Cary Balrog. Oh my…was that you in the Lord of the Rings. I do love those films. Hobbits are such funny people.
The camera pulls back to reveal Cory Barlog sitting in the chair next to James Lipton)
Lipton: It’ a funny word too. Hooobbit. Say with me…Hoooobit!
(Lipton lets out a giggle)
Barlog: Yeah it’s a funny word. But it’s Barlog. Cory Barlog.
Lipton: Well I’m sure that doesn’t matter much Mr. Fiery bad guy who killed Gandalf.
(Laughs, mostly for himself)
Well…let’s get right to it, shall we? You’ve…worked on some pretty bad things haven’t you?
Barlog: What? What do you mean?
Lipton: Well I certainly haven’t a clue; it’s just what the note card says.
(Shows the note card to Barlog)
Barlog: Wow, you’re right. Ok. Yeah, I suppose you could say that some of games I have worked on in the past have been less than stellar. I mean, I worked on a game that starred the Insane Clown Posse. Not so sweet.
(Lipton plays to the audience and looks overly shocked and appalled)
Lipton: Yes…not so sweet indeed. I have no idea who this Clown Posse is that you speak of but I am sure that they are, in fact, insane.
(Lipton smiles and looks very proud of himself)
Well let’s talk about your accomplishments, which no doubt must have been substantial, otherwise you wouldn’t sharing the stage with someone of such a monolithic stature…such as myself. You say games, do you?
(Lipton sits back and ponders for a moment)
Let’s talk about one of your shining achievements, the strongest horse in your stable, the game of chess. Tell me, what was going through your mind when you created that one?
Barlog: What? Chess? I didn’t create chess.
Lipton: Really? It was checkers then?
Barlog: Nope, can’t take credit for checkers either.
Lipton: Othello? Mmmm…
(Lipton stares longingly off into space)
…I really do love that play.
Lipton: Uno then?
Lipton: certainly Hungry Hungry Hippos then?
(Lipton throws his index card in the and exhales dramatically)
Lipton: Well for someone who claims to be the ‘game’ man you certainly haven’t made any games I have heard of.
Barlog: Well I make video games. More to the point console video games for Sony.
Lipton: Well…they make good TV’s, don’t they? A little out my price range, though. The old Zenith works just fine for me, thank you very much. Plus I really don’t believe this whole color thing is going to catch on.
(To the audience)
Just a fad with these kids...with thier rock music...and big pants...and...What was I talking about?
Barlog: You’re probably right. And you were talking about what I worked on.
Lipton: Yes, exactly. Don't tell me what I was talking about. I'm James Lipton. I interviewed Tom Cruise for God's sake. So, Just what is it you have done Mr. Smarty Pants?
Barlog: As you said before, I have had my hands in some products of questionable quality, but more recently I have had the good fortune of working with a very talented group of people on a couple of PS2 games. I was the animation lead on God of War...
(Lipton gets really excited now)
Lipton: Oh yes...Gears of War, I have heard of that one. So you're that cliffyb then?
Barlog: No, I'm not cliffyb, he is far more photogenic than I am. Gears is a pretty fun game though. I worked on God of War. Anyway, after doing animation on God of War 1 I got offered to take over the directing job for David Jaffe (the series creator) on God of War 2.
Lipton: What a clever title. Did you come up with that by yourself?
Barlog: No, there were a few of us who worked on that one.
Lipton: I wouldn’t doubt it…
(Litpon take a dramatic pause)
…and what is this God of War about?
Barlog: It’s the story of Spartan warrior who takes on the Gods of Olympus to exact revenge for the torment they have put him through his entire life.
Lipton: I was once offered the part of Spartan warrior. It was long time ago, in an off Broadway production of 301. It was story about the Spartan who got food poisoning the night before the Persian invasion...and missed out on the whole battle. It would have been wonderful.
(Lipton takes a beat)
I…would have been wonderful.
(To the audience)
Wouldn’t I have minions?
(A deafening silence rings throughout the room)
Barlog: I would see that.
Lipton: Yes, I know you. So now you are a director? You were once a lowly animator, an now a great director?
Barlog: Well I wouldn’t say animators are lowly. I loved being an animator; in fact I still kind of miss animating.
Lipton: And yet you are a director now? Odd, isn’t it?
Barlog: No, not really. I am also very far from being a great director. Like 3000 miles to Graceland, far. Like really far. I have a long way to go before I can even be called an ‘average’ director.
Lipton: Kevin Costner.
(Lipton takes a dramatic pause)
Barlog: Yeah, Tin Cup was pretty good too.
Lipton: Indeed. He once sat on this stage with me. He is a great man. I mean anyone whose films average 3 hours has to be a great man, isn’t that right class?
So tell me, what was it like directing this war game?
Barlog: It’s actually a third person action adventure game, but that doesn’t really matter. It was a pretty tough ride for the first year, since I really had no fuicking clue what it is I was doing. But I had a very good and very patient team, so I finally got into the swing of it.
(Liptons’ eyes glaze over as he sits with a somewhat demonic grin on his face)
Lipton: FASCINATING!!! That reminds me of when I scaled the great pyramids of Giza. When I reached the summit, considerably out of breath because I had a big lunch the day before, I had visions of a great society. My mind touched the stars and I imagined a society of people who built fantastic monuments in glory of themselves, much like this great monument I have constructed to honor me. My desk of supreme power…
(Taps his 35 dollar Ikea desk)
…and minions…whom I berate often...and order to do my bidding.
(Lipton motions to the audience)
Thank you, minions. Your dedication to this cause will not go unrewarded, when the end time comes, you will be spared.
(Back to Barlog)
Have you…ever…built a monument to yourself?
Barlog: Uhhh…a monument to myself? I think I once built a diorama of the Taj Mahal out of sugar cubes for history class. I thought I would be really good at it, you know? I mean I was in art classe4s, I liked to draw. But man it was a pretty sad state. I think I got a ‘C’ on it. Of course that may have been due to the fact that I added a few features onto the Taj Mahal that were not included in the original plans. I thought it wouldbe cool if it were even bigger. That, and we didn't have the internet and I completely slacked off and forgot to check out the books I needed. I had to pretty much wing it.
Lipton: Wonderful! Such a poignant and yet altogether pointless answer to such a serious and well thought out question. I can see why the media very rarely takes people in your field seriously.
(To the audience)
If I made cd’s for a living I certainly would think a little harder before answering questions, isn’t right minions?
(A few forced claps)
(Litpon looks confused)
Barlog: Games. I make video games for a living. Some of them come on CD’s, but now they mostly come on DVD’s. Some are even coming out on blu-ray now.
Lipton: I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about this wonderful macaroni I had earlier today. Macaroni and cheese I believe it was called…have ever had it? It’s WONDERFUL!!!
Barlog: Yeah, I dig on the mac and cheese. I haven’t had it in a while, but I can get down with it. Maybe we should talk about the games a bit more? I wouldn't mind talking about God of War:Chains of Olympus, or maybe even the other project I am working on now. We haven’t announced it yet, but I figured I would just tell you what it is…it’s…
Lipton: (Laughs) I am certain I would not be interested in that. In fact it appears those 4 double bourbons I had before the show seem to be catching up with me, so it seems our time is up.
Barlog: What that’s it? You not even going to ask me my favorite swear word or anything?
Lipton: No. Those questions are reserved for the ‘real’ famous people…like Mr. Cheech Marin…an actor extraordinary range and accomplishment. A performer with more talent in the left half of his moustache than I am sure you have…in your entire body.
Barlog: yeah, he is pretty good.
Lipton: So good night Mr. CD maker…
(Lipton plays to the camera)
…and until next time…remember that if you don’t see the brilliance that is me…then you are obviously totally blind. Be good to yourselves.
(The camera pulls back as the end credits play)
And there you have it.
God, I need to get a life. It really is amazing that I am employed.